You know the feeling where everything feels just right? That all of the pieces of your life are falling into place? You can’t help but smile and think to yourself “I am so lucky.”
I hadn’t felt that feeling in days. And it was starting to piss me off.
I’m a generally happy person but tend to worry (more than I should). I may not smile all the live long day, but I do think of my friends and family often, and that lightens my heart. I may not be optimistic, cheerful or super chatty, but I get by with the way I operate and have no problem making new friends. I felt like I was on cloud nine for three straight weeks and then, in just 10 minutes time, found myself completely in the dumps.
This feeling haunted me longer than it should have. I didn’t want to smile. I didn’t want to think about things that usually make me happy. And I didn’t want to be around other people. I wanted to crawl into bed and sleep. Just sleep.
I had no idea how to shake it because everything I tried just didn’t work. But a distraction broke me free and things started to look up again.
I learned some very exciting news from a long-time friend last week – news I refuse to retell because it isn’t my good news share – but it made me smile, made me stop worrying about what I feel like I can’t fix and let go of everything I had been bottling up. It’s funny how an instance can do that.
The long weekend was perfectly timed and I focused all my energy into the what I was doing at that moment. Whether it was taking pictures, tailgating, having dinner with friends, laughing at naughty jokes amongst a group of college friends – I stepped away from my bad feelings and dived into being present. It made my weekend a really great four days. And luckily it hasn’t died down.
I may have been on the verge of tears all day yesterday, but they were good tears. An old friend introduced me to an opportunity that I think will make a bigger impact on me than the people I’ve been asked to help. Not only in my heart, but in other areas of my life as well. I’ve been toying with an idea for a personal project but have been so worried about what people would think of me, would they even care enough to participate, would I be able to devote enough time to make it perfect. All that worry. Over something that doesn’t even exist yet. But I’m letting it go.
I have so many things on my to do list, things that are hopefully going to bring more happiness into world, create new relationships, improve old ones and inspire people I don’t even know. But the only way I can do this is by learning to let go. I’m setting the worry free, breathing out all the bad that I keep holding in. This is actually hard for me to do, it’s just not in my chemistry. But I’m trying. Because I want to hang on to the feelings of inspiration, gratitude and love as long as I possibly can. You know those feelings.
illustration by Katie Daisy